openbox

Glen in Africa

2006-08-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

www.glenstravels.wordpress.com

receive the same love

2006-07-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

i'm happy and i'm okay. i think allowing myself to be that way was one of the most important steps to getting there in the first place. sometimes i don't want to question it.

i don't have a fancy camera and tripod (yet)
but here are the fireworks from last night anyway

[i've decided to keep an injection count. since last monday, i've had 11 needles go through my skin. 4 for africa, 7 so far for anesthetic. 4 more anesthetic jabs on monday from dr. dentist.]

"i hate monkey"

2006-07-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

...

(anita), nayeon, sun, hyun woo, boram
the wonderful koreans i have gotten to know

filler

2006-07-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

I think it'd be beneficial for me to write more, and I'd like to, but I simply have not made the time to do so.
Everyday I seem to think so much happens, and so much does, but really nothing much happened at all.
For example, today was a difficult day, and it was filled with important events, but after giving it some thought, the day is over, and a new day begins in one and a half hours. Certainly today has repercussions for tomorrow, next week, and the week after that. But... what am I trying to say?

I come home at night and wish I had someone to talk to, to off-load my thoughts and stresses, to share in others' issues, to have someone to eat with. Being out a lot with other people lately just hasn't been the same as having someone to come home to.

Talking to someone else really does put things in perspective. Most of the time, it just makes you realize how ridiculous you're being, and how mountaneous your little anthills have been made out to be.

Ultimately, we have every reason to be encouraged. Will share more later...

I typed "bless" into i-tunes and came up with a beautiful playlist. Praise God.

NO TIME FOR CYNICISM

2006-07-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

He says it’s impossible, but I know it’s possible.
I was sitting in the leather swivel chair when he said to me, “you have to keep an open mind,” all the while running his scissors and fingers through my dampened hair. And while he was speaking of physical style and look, his statement eventually resonated with something beyond what is typically reached with such a cliché. An open mind requires you to close your mind to certain things. In an attempt to stop evading confrontation through cryptic language, I will spell it out here: doubt, denial, hopelessness, insecurity, hatred. I used to think growing up was learning how to be a child again. Now it’s clearer to me that what lies beyond that is so much more affirming and real. We must move from carelessness and supposed innocence to recognition and repentance to bravely move forward. Junji, you have taught me a lesson through hair without knowing it. Thank you.

I need to tell you all the pain he’s caused.
I’ve been pulling off ~50 hour work weeks and weekends. When I talk to mama (Chan), she never fails to remind me of how I would beg (read: force) Pina to buy me ice cream from Apu Shop when I was 6-8. More than a decade later, it doesn’t hurt to be reminded, because I’m still doing it. And I don’t even know what the ice cream is really for. Managing three jobs has been doable, but certainly not easy. I’m sincerely sorry for being able to give more of myself more freely. I want so much to do so, to be taken in full and in honesty. Mel and Sarah left the apartment, leaving me to empty rooms and relative silence. Because of work, I’m only back there to eat at night and sleep. I say I’m so tired because it’s so evident. But I’m glad for the opportunity to stay busy, to stay occupied. Let me step back for a moment so I can appreciate what I’ve been blessed with. Truly.

I want to understand the meaning of your embrace.
~~I have met such amazing people.~~ I have met people. For too long I’ve been led by a Caufield-esque attitude of disillusionment and doubt. Real people are phony and phony people are real. Sometimes it’s as simple as love. But/and I don’t understand it. Perhaps the greatest element of one of my jobs has been the opportunity to learn precisely about this. Ultimately I think I made the right decisions, because there really are no wrong decisions. I’m learning, God I pray I’m learning.

I need to tell you I’m undone because…
I’ve written thousands of words only to click and drag them into the virtual recycling bin. Chatting with Hannah the other day, two thoughts primarily ran through my mind. First, I’m sorry. Second, I miss having someone to talk to about things that I would otherwise never talk or openly think about. I’ve been surviving in the middle, particularly for the past two years. I resorted to not thinking about it in order to float above despair. And it’s worked, for the most part. But I want more, and believe I deserve and need more. We all do! At least someone else in my vicinity does, and that someone else, I believe, will share in the journey honestly with me. Maybe? More people, more vulnerability please.

There is so much to do, more than ever before.

the best songs are the simplest.
Listening to: Lauryn Hill – Peace of Mind

has anyone thought of cape verde?

2006-06-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

I'm out everyday, only to return to eat and sleep.
I've been wanting to write something and nicely package the happenings that I've experienced in the past few weeks, but I'm realizing that keeping up with life is exhausting. So if there is any update, it is that I'm tired.
This week I am going to try to keep up to pace with responsibilities. In the meantime I will try not to think too much about everything.

2006-05-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

dying

2006-05-14T19:40:00.001-07:00

***

After moping around the apartment for hours, lamenting my loneliness and various ailments, I decided that it was time to get out and get something accomplished. Perhaps checking off something on a to-do list would be just the thing to put me in motion once again. Maybe that was the best part of exam period – there were dates, there were tasks, and there were final accomplishments. Done.

So I burned 84 images onto a CD to be printed, carefully choosing the 4x6s, 5x7s, and 8x12s. It was 4pm. Perfect – the store on campus closed at 6pm. I finally got off my butt, packed, and left for school optimistic and somewhat energetic.

I approach the lady at the front counter and inquire about prices. She tells me the prices: too expensive. I leave the store.

5 minutes into the mission, I am met with failure. Walking aimlessly away from the store, I am confused and don’t know what to do. I am not supposed to be spontaneous. I am well-planned out, organized, detailed. Apparently. I thought to myself, Where is the one place I can go on campus on a Saturday? What building can I depend on?

I reached the library soon enough, only to be greeted by the sound of the ringing bell, warning of the 15 minutes until closing. Somewhat distraught, and disappointed that my old faithful was turning its back on me, I soon left the building again not knowing what to do. I wouldn’t go home, not after it took me the entire morning and afternoon to get out of the apartment. I walked toward the Rose Gardens. It was a beautiful day, and I was going to soak in the beauty if it killed me. I had a book in my bag… that would save me. I could read! In the sun!

The Rose Garden was occupied. People looked like they were graduating.

So I kept on walking. Down the stairs, toward old faithful #2: the anso building. Even though it was a Saturday, I was somewhat hopeful that my professor would be working in his office, as he does sometimes. If only the front door wasn’t locked…

Keep walking. Behind the building and toward Green College, there is a beautiful look out spot with a bench. Full ocean and mountain view, nice breeze. Perfect – I would sit there and read. This would be relaxing. As I walk toward the spot, I notice a couple following me. A few seconds after settling down on the bench, they appear. Fortunately for them, there are two benches. Unfortunately for me, there are two benches.

There I am, wanting to be melancholic by myself but grounded by the reality that I am wandering alone with no real purpose or direction. The couple sits and talks for what seems like an hour. I sit there, doing nothing. When they get up to leave, I think to myself, great. Now I can enjoy the space for myself.

As soon as they leave, another couple takes their bench as though they had been waiting behind a bush, waiting to pounce. They steal glances at me, perhaps taking pity on the poor lonely soul on the bench. What is he doing? After spending around 15 minutes, reminding me of my single status, they leave.

When the third couple sits on that bench, I decide to leave.

In my mind, I had exhausted all my options at the time. I considered walking home – at least that would justify my outing in terms of exercise. But I was aching from the previous day, and from being sick. I walked to the bus stop and took the bus home. And that ends my day.

Back to summer hibernation, in the sauna that is my apartment. If only it was cold, and raining.

***

I feel like I’m slowly dying here.

two VIPs

2006-05-10T22:53:00.000-07:00

honestly, what can I say?
it was always not here, not now
see you in january...

this time last year

2006-04-18T02:09:00.000-07:00

what's stopping me from being happy?

i can't believe it, or haven't yet.
subversive discourse, subversive discourse.

11:00am meeting, 2:10am posting

2006-04-14T02:03:00.000-07:00

I thought I had killed the ivy plant in the white plastic pot. But evidently I didn't truly believe that, or else I wouldn't have placed it in Mel's room and deliberately opened the curtains to expose it to as much light as possible. I wouldn't have plucked the dried-out, colorless leaves only to leave the stems naked and exposed. A few weeks have since passed with the occassional watering. It really isn't that surprising that new green shoots have emerged. The few sprouting leaves are that shiny, waxy new green color. I really should have expected nothing less.

Today I truly feel that this year will truly be my most exciting, and my most frightening one yet.

a day in the life

2006-04-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up at 8:25am and then went back to bed. Then I got out of bed at 11am.
Then I mixed my apple sauce with the oat porridge and slices of banana until it was all a mushy consistency (of mush). Then I ate it (slowly, because it was rather gross).
Then I read about globalization/imperialism. I boiled water a few times and poured it into my mug so that I could drink it. Then I drank it.
At night I had soup from a can and leftover mashed potatoes. For a treat I drank cranberry juice bought by Sarah mixed with diluted orange juice and aloe vera jelly.
After ample procrastination and a lack of motivation to do anything, I must resume reading about how to start socialist movements in this imperialist world.
Tonight I will sleep and tomorrow the day shall repeat itself. The menu will repeat itself too until this stomach (flu?) dies out.

but what is prison?

2006-04-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

this post comes at the re-realization that I have become stone, in the rain and in the sun. i remember times when I could move, with the wind and with the stillness.
this is an apology first and foremost to myself and to the world for my misguided dispositions, my confusion of priorities, my denigration of faith. I can't say that anything is different to make me change my mind, or that my mind is being changed to see things any differently. but I will say that at the core of it all there is so much more than this, and there is where i realize that I don't want to lose you, and I don't want to regret what hasn't been.

1. for granted

2006-03-26T01:58:00.000-08:00

In convincing myself that hatred was truth, and selflessness was unattainable, I have taken you for granted.
In always seeking relativism, I lost sense of the undeniable essentialism.

He came to my bedroom,
But I was asleep.

In seclusion, I am all but an investor.
In convincing myself that a skeptical stance and questioning nature were the only ways to receive you, I released my grasp on trust and hope for its own sake.

And he woke me up again,
to say...

In hating you I suffered. In envying you I suffered.
In caring about the wrong things, in running to false solutions, in seeking temporary security, I am gradually broken.

Hallelujah.

I told him all I ever wanted was to live in freedom. He turned on Solomon Burke's None of us are Free and I wish I lived that as an anthem. I knew that confrontation was the solution over retreat, and he said Salvation is not hard to find. He is more correct with each passing day, because he said the world is getting smaller each passing day. And while I'm afraid time is passing me by, he whispered one of us is chained and I couldn't help but take a breath to quell my nerves. I told him I was sorry, but admitted I was primarily seeking forgiveness from myself. And he told me to let go, get up, and walk.

Hallelujah.
holy, holy, is the sound

cow bell

2006-03-18T00:46:00.000-08:00

I've been working on a paper for what seems like the entire day non-stop and all I've got to show for it is two pages of frustrated words jammed together.

To conclude, I would so rather be dancing right now.
Tahiti 80 knows how to work the skinny.

desparation #2

2006-03-17T01:16:00.000-08:00

I typed in Naked as We Came into Pandora's playlist but soon turned it off as the lyrics were far too depressing.

We may ask for honesty, but it hurts to get it sometimes.

I haven't been listening, I've only been passively accepting and inwardly rejecting and mentally complaining and physically depriving.
So help me hear and trust and obey in thanksgiving, because there's not much else I can go on. Help me find the intrinsic value that none of us can see or touch, but that is real.

desparation

2006-03-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

wait

let me leave

away from here ...

I don't want to face the tougest months. I don't welcome the spring, because it triggers the onset of allergies and sinuses, deadlines, the culmination of stress and expectations, judgments, punishments, and uncertainty. Worn out before I have begun, nothing is romantic.

positivism/lies

2006-03-08T00:02:00.000-08:00

Look no further

It's in our hands, it always was
It's all there, in our hands

To be honest, I don't know when to run, when to enter, when to exit. When to walk, and what casual is. To think, to stop, to breathe, and to open the door.

Is this routine or is it truth? What exactly are we trying to change?
And at what point can I let go?
I could never really appreciate your simple statements because I always believed they were void of any real or practical thought. But sometimes I feel as though this is an age for clichés and that the hope has existed because it is, if nothing else, supremely functional.

Well,
Aren't we scaring ourselves
Unnecessarily?
Aren't we trying too hard?

I subscribed to the ideal of wide open spaces a long time ago but haven’t been able to appreciate it in its fullness. I’m looking in the wrong places, closed spaces.

'Cause it's in our hands
It's in our hands
It's all here, it's in our hands

I miss mama. To love, feel loved, and revel and rest at the glory of creation.

So I’m going to try something new.
Speaking before I learn to talk.
Walking before I get there.
Adversity before growth.
After death there is new birth, for what it’s worth.

the most beautiful thing i've heard today

2006-03-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

amidst all of the distasteful, misguided music today, it is nicely refreshing to return to an era where voice - the key instrument - was central to the song. while we may mourn the passing of phenomenal voices today to drugs, fame, the problems that be, perhaps our energies are better spent realizing that past greats are exactly that - past - and all we have to do is dig up the record vault to rediscover what made us fall in love with them in the first place. and so, today we recall boyz II men, the best RnB group and beautiful harmonies of all time:

exhaling

2006-02-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

if things fall apart you know they were meaningless to begin with.

Play, don’t die.

2006-02-24T15:20:00.001-08:00

I recently read an article arguing that, in Japan, obentos (lunch boxes, particularly in nursery schools) serve as ideological state apparatuses. In her discussion of the time-intensive labour that mothers devote to the production of these delicately prepared meals, the author aptly mentions the concept of play and how that figures into the creative approach that one may take towards work.
Perhaps I am being overly critical here, or perhaps it’s just a reflection of my current state of mind (sleep-deprived, allergy-ridden, blurry-eyed and numb), but I do feel as though I have lost a sense of enjoyment of/for life and have forgotten the concept of play. Everything appears far too serious now, or at least I am thinking about the implications of my actions and inactions at every waking and lucid dreaming moment. I am sorry to say that, as others have probably perceived, I am becoming more android-like with only current bursts of human expression to indicate that yes, I am indeed alive. Or I’ll put a little somethin’ somethin’ on for certain shows, such as team/work meetings or temporary social gatherings, which leave me exhausted and directionless after the fact. Not going anywhere. Not going anywhere. Lackluster is apt.
Where am I going? Firstly, where am I?

Eleni, on the topic of listening to the adventures of her siblings:

where my sister went with three close friends, and the four of them shoe-string backpacked it around costa rica and then took random in-the-back-of-pickup-truck rides across the boarder to Panama and then lived on this boat for a while with some fisherman who was renting out the sleeping quarters and some local kid taught them how to surf... or when my brother was in Hong Kong and ended up at a local rave where they play village people remixes sped up in giant star-trek esque metal tubed warehouses and lived with a guy from south africa for a while in Taiwan, and the various adventures ensued…

He’s going to S. Africa, she’s going to N. Africa, she’s going to France and hiking the Alps, they’re all going on internships in metropolises, she’s already there. Missions trips, field school, work, internship, volunteerism, NGO, vacation, adventure, travel.
The concept of NOW – no opportunity wasted – is too heavy for me. Every season and transitional period has to be planned out, yet nothing is ever a guarantee. Slowly and quickly, I am discovering more about life.
This is all to say that I do not know what I will be doing or where I will be in the summer. Last year at that time, I was working and taking summer courses before traveling from Thailand through SW China up to Tibet and then down to S Thailand before returning for work and school. Certainly a full summer, a tiring summer, a summer well spent, I believe.
I am restless and I want to attach myself to something with meat and meaning, with flesh on bones. Selfish? Of course, but necessarily so. I don’t think I have invested enough into how I have allowed myself to be shaped by others, how I have freed myself from various chains, how I have closed and opened and ignored so many doors. Thus we see that I figures centrally in the discussion of who I am.
I’ve been looking at the Himalayan Health Exchange as well as the Aang Serian Summer School in Tanzania as options for field school, on top of exploring the AAA site. I feel as though I have become too accustomed to things just happening for me, for connections to work themselves out in order for me to be the passive receiver of blessings. Once the scholarship funding ends… what will there be? It has become almost an automatic expectation for someone out there to provide me with what I need to engage in the opportunities that I seek. Work over the past years has given me something to work with, but how and where do I invest it? Now, without contact with my parents who I always turn to for advice and knowledge and with a million things to consider I have been struck with the weight of my potential decisions. I am considering summer courses, last semester courses, thesis advisor, thesis topic [medical anthropology: the Chinese Diaspora, health, and race, or linguistic anthropology: the Presbyterian Church in Kenya and oral tradition?], internships, field schools, grad school, GRE exams, , money, museum work, continuing my current job, the apartment, roommates, family and home. I am questioning plans that I had previously envisioned as certain and secure. This doubt arises from life experience, from the realization of physical and mental limitations. Going somewhere doesn’t mean anything, because “somewhere” surrounds me and I intersect it everyday.
I miss being able to talk – about it, about you, about myself, about us. I’m just not there anymore.

just for the sake of it

2006-02-16T00:36:00.000-08:00

How marvelous that presidents and governors come to mourn and praise. But in the morning... will words become deeds that meet needs?

I've just watch a clip of Reverend Joseph Lowery speaking at Coretta Scott King's funeral. Preachers are possibly the greatest orators of our time.

***

Why always the disconnect? Why so rare the actualization?

These past few days have been a daze, particularly during and following the reading week-all nighter. Two months after the initial due date, my research paper - 24 hardcopy pages - has been handed in. Although embarrassed and gravely disappointed in myself, I am certainly relieved to have it out of my hands for the time being. The paper has reinforced the notion that I can only get work done if extremely stressed and in a state of great discomfort. A dangerous characteristic at best.

Everyday I see life passing by me while I watch, still. I realize that I don't appreciate the concept of greatness, nor have I treated honesty with respect. There are too many boundaries built around normative models of conduct; even the rawest of honesties has to find its own channel. And it'll only flow if it's meant to.

Why is reading week so burdensome? Work, all day tomorrow.

listening: david gray - life in slow motion

you'll make it

2006-02-08T23:56:00.000-08:00

I had a pleasant conversation with D- the apartment maintenance volunteer - tonight upon returning home from classes. It really was lovely, and left me in a relatively good mood.
I'm assuming D's around 70+. I've always thought of him as a gentle Scottish soul, despite what others might have said about him.

So, by the mailbox downstairs, we exchange a few words. I tell him it's a busy time, to which he replies with such natural confidence and belief, "Don't worry about it. You'll make it."
I've never really had a grandfather. So for now I will hold on to the idealistic features of grandfatherhood that I can extract from D. Sometimes all you need is a elder paternalistic figure to assure you that it will really all be okay.

listening: nick drake - blossom friend

jewel

2006-02-05T23:26:00.001-08:00

while the world could care less... did you know that jewel is dropping a new album?

"'Goodbye Alice in Wonderland' is no fairy tale, but still a strange tale indeed; it is the story of my life - from the extreme solitude of alaska, to my first trip to hollywood. From my rise to fame, to the cliche crisis of betrayals by those closest and most dearly trusted.

This is the most autobiographical album i have made since 'pieces of you', and i spent alot of time sequencing it, so that each song sets up the next, like a novel with a begining, middle, and an end. By the end of the 13th song, if you have listened closely, you will have heard the story of the sirens song that seduced me, of a path i both followed and led, of bizarre twists and turns that opened my eyes, forcing me to find solutions so that my loss of innocence would not lead to a loss of hope until, ultimately, the path turned back on its self, leading me closer to where i began; a ranch, this time in stephenville texas, where i find my self delivered from the magic forest. Not broken, just more myself."

redemption?

listening: Devdas - Maar Dala

update on life

2006-02-02T16:38:00.000-08:00

january was a month of birthdays: T, A's bf, H's bf, S, H, H, E... however, january was far from a month of celebration. rather, it was a dreadful return to apathy towards everything in life... a sentiment that has seaped into february.
+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+
a few things happened in january, not necessarily worthy of recollecting: [in chronological order]
1. listened to Paul Rusesabagina speak @ the chan.
2. listened to David Orr speak on 'The End of Education"
3. went bowling with the anthropology/sociology department students and profs. Dr. Guppy is a fun man.
4. gave a presentation at the student leadership conference, and co-led another presentation.
5. arranged to meet someone to give them something, forgot to bring that something so went home to get it, came back to campus and forgot to meet that person at arranged time, but thank God ran into that person to give her that thing that I had forgotten but then remembered. that was such a bad day.
6. had a wonderful wednesday in which I was hannah lim herself: 11 - met E for lunch, 12 - met D for tea, 1 - ran into H for discussion above the pool, 2-6 - class, after - meet S&S, 7 - greet visiting parents and go out for S' b-day dinner, 8-9 - eat pinapple tarts while watching AI together.
7. transferred bank accounts. yippee |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
[8-15: Africa Awareness related; a tiring week as a coordinator]
8. fashion show @ i-house
9. movie - karmen gei @ liu institute - missed, stayed home sick [10-12=same day]
10. met the secretary general of the African Unification Front (AUF), Dan Kashagama, while introducing him at a public lecture.
11. attended a beautiful moroccan african studies research dinner at sage bistro, where dr. idahosa from york university spoke ever so succintly and eloquently. waiter spilt milk on me.
12. coffee house and african story telling at the graduate student's society. wonderful and dynamic storytelling from ms. comfort ero in the beautiful woodfloor thea's lounge. ethopian coffee and tazo teas.
13. called mom for birthday at 12:01am. attended keynote speech, Pulane Lefoka, at the Museum of Anthropology. strawberries with ubc catering. walked back in the rain and wind.
14. sikiliza - african party all night long; good samosas, people, music, and dancing.
15. entire day of conference-ing at the education building. a successful event if i do say so. +|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+
>>> apt: i had to miss chinese new year dinner on saturday because i came home tired exhausted and just plain low from the africa conference. what kind of compromises have i made? an underlying crisis i don't want to think too much about.
>>> i got a haircut today at AIR after realizing that i wouldn't be able to score on a free cut at RAIN because i'm not available on mondays... alison, that would have been fun. sadly, things are too japanese at the moment.
>>> i saw an intriguing program on detroit public tv (pbs production) last night - African American Lives - in which henry louis gates, jr, was interviewing oprah, whoopie, ben carson, chris tucker, quincy jones, td jakes, etc... to collaborate on a composition of african american history through their family geneologies in the south. the importance of land and education - two very powerful points to get across, and i think they did it quite well.
+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+
>>> i'll be cooking with E and H tonight. just like old times, except with the cooking.
+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+

>>> i'll be seeing this amazing man sing in two weeks.

+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+
in the meantime, i am paralyzed by apathy.

essay due tomorrow = start tonight = let's do a quiz

2006-01-30T01:16:00.000-08:00

I thought I would put this up here because it is so ridiculously false.

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: Deer

Animal You Were in a Past Life: Panda

You are a fun-seeker - an adventurous, risk-taker.
While you are spontaneous, you are not very rational.

The Animal Personality Test

not sad

2006-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

today i was reminded that my life is not in balance.
***

>>> i learned that gender assymetry may or may not be universal and that rice agriculture may or may not have first developed near the yangtze river, or maybe the yellow river, or somewhere in between. either way it's not important.
>>> reading lisa's european updates i was also reminded that yes, i must go to france, especially with all this talk of southern peasants and intriguing localized cultures along the coast. in the meantime, i do believe that i am quite aimlessly floating around, doing this and that and rushing to finish one thing before another item finds itself on my plate. there really is so much going on, yet i feel that nothing, really, is going on.
>>> but alas there is no time to think about the meaningless of it all. we must invest meaning in what we do, wholeheartedly whether or not we are co-opting to an illusion. because really, i do have to wake up tomorrow at 6:30, and i don't want to feel the consequences for not doing so.

>>> and no, i do not think that it is a sad day for canada.

listening: vusi mahlasela - troubador

the darnest jello-loving sitcom music recordings.

2006-01-18T00:44:00.000-08:00

who knew that Bill Cosby made recordings?
and, in tune with Martin's funeral, the following from the same site:

Through our scientific and technological genius, we have made of this world a neighborhood and yet we have not had the ethical commitment to make of it a brotherhood [or sisterhood]. But somehow, and in some way, we have got to do this. We must all learn to live together as brothers [and sisters] or we will all perish together as fools. We are tied together in the single garment of destiny, caught in an inescapable network of mutuality. And whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. For some strange reason I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the way God’s universe is made; this is the way it is structured... - Remaining Awake Through A Great Revolution 1968.

more on Martin Luther King Jr. later. where are the truly challenging, inspirational, and revolutionary speakers of today?

listening: bob dylan - corrina, corrina

a new space

2006-01-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

> So, if you know me, you would know that my room doesn’t stay in the same arrangement for long. Copy and paste into the rest of my material life and you’ve now found yourself in a new template.
> On Saturday I spoke at a reading week workshop before giving my own workshop at the leadership conference on leading in the classroom. People in the background cried out, hypocrite! But I shut them up, citing optimism.
> On Saturday afternoon I went back with three friends, and people on the bus took second glances. In every group I somehow end up being the minority, even within the minority.
> Sunday was a beautifully sunny day that I spent inside the apartment.
> I’ve been using Pandora far too much. It has, however, indeed unleashed a wealth of artists and songs that I am loving.
.......Today: In Marion Williams, one of the best versions of God Bless the Child.
> I was looking through former writings and came across the following below and realized that things do change. I believe we tend to think too much; that’s a belief, not a thought. Not talking is conscious.

G O O D M O R N I N G

I dreamt of a fever, one that would cure me of this cold winter-set heart with heat to melt these frozen tears, burned with reasons as to carry on. Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow but I swear that I would follow anything, just get me out of here.
But you get six months to adapt and you get two more to leave town and in the event that you do adapt, we still might not want you around.
But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose but I know that that's impossible now. And so I drink to stay warm and to kill selected memories because I just can’t think anymore about that or about her tonight.
But I give myself three days to feel better or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff because if I can’t learn to make myself feel better, how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?
And I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this dead and eternal snow. 'Cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it’s happening and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there...just take me there. ~~Lie to me~~ and say it’s gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright.

So, the “venerable emo luminary” Conor Oberst is a little too emo at times. ~~The snow has actually been trampled upon, soiled, melted, and evaporated.~~ But it never really leaves and carries out its vengeance on the city in rain and fog. [The wind blows the rain to render any umbrella or rain jacket obsolete. The weeks of rain don’t really matter because, as I say, it gives us something to talk about at the office water cooler. But as courses progress and burdens compound, the depression hits.] Still, it encapsulates some of what I can’t be bothered to otherwise articulate.
Imagine the boy, tired and bending forward in ruined arch, yet he can’t sleep, he’s in pain, and the pulse in his heart increases to gain conscious attention from his disturbed mind. And you want to let him in and let him out simultaneously, resolving and reinstating. All the while he cuts a brown seed into disproportionate pieces with a pair of scissors.
What becomes of little boys? She wonders. “Disappointed once again, Do their lives become a lie, Should they wither up and die, When they find out they deserve more than they know, And no matter what they say it’s the same thing everyday” –LH
And old men “wrapped so miserably in this deception, wear it like a skin,” too tired stare numbed at nothing.
Wine ages, cheese matures, and we call the aspens beautiful. Let's see the same for us.